I am scared — but isn’t that a point we have to navigate in having faith in someone — especially ourselves?
Hebrews 11:1 — “Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.”
The central feature of faith is confidence and trust.
Confidence, a quiet inner knowledge that you are capable. I pride myself of being capable of a lot of things, not to be arrogant or anything synonymous to that but I know that I am or so I thought — it’s far from being perfect, just being able to strive and come up with solutions to a risen problem, answer to a question, finding a way back if lost, providing food if hungry, allowing a moment of solitude if overwhelmed, lay outing a goal to a maze, a self-sabotage when myself is holding me back and a lot more that are unbeknownst to me.
For quite some time these ideas of me having trust with my abilities to live and strive life wherever I go, I resist them myself, for a couple of reasons:
Doesn’t add up to where I am. I hate being in the norm, but I am talking about the norm here. The inkling in me to go out there and explore and fail and learn remains as an inkling. I love what I do, I do. But it’s not everything I dreamed of doing. If I list all the pros and cons of where I am now, you will say, stay there, you are forever taken care of (this is where the norm comes sliding), I told myself, stay there too.
I am imploding instead of exploding. Sometimes when I think of all the possibilities, I can do in life only if I can channel my imploding ideas, denying the world of your capabilities (let’s not go technical) but all the beautiful things and overflowing love you want to shower the world with, hence my life is set for a grand purpose, however, the thing is sometimes I find myself thinking maybe not everyone have to have a monumental grounds now, it will come eventually.
Being excited with the process but fixated at the end goal. I was pondering about my life, as an “overthinker” sometimes I see things ending even if it just started and that is such a scary thought. Suspecting my own strength and relying on the train of thought that it is easier not to pursue. Beating pressure by the time it starts to become scary even if I haven’t started the process yet.
Contradicting ideas between contentment and extremes. I want more (I am scared) even though I know I can do it, it’s just so hard to go out there when you know you are risking all there is to risk. What I currently have is too tempting to be content, however the impending dreams I had growing up are just too extreme. I need to do more to tick off the boxes. I am not retiring the idea of taking that leap of faith, I know I will, I just must overcome a couple of things to do that. I don’t like going into a battle unprepared, yes you see I contradict a lot of things. It has been a constant struggle that I shove at the back of the shelves.
“Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for…”
I hope to experience snow, I want to see the leaves change their color, I want to do daily walks on a friendly park, if feeling bored and lost I want to pick up a book and read it under a tree where no one bothers me, I want to enjoy all the simple ordinary things that I already are experiencing today just in a place where I really want to be. All the mundane and the ordinary but tangible moments, experiencing the world in a new light.
“…the conviction of things not seen.”
Weirdly enough, I feel this urge to get away from the whole lot to figure out the entirety of my possibilities, and I haven’t seen it but I know I will be a totally different person than what I hoped for if I don’t go out there and have that faith in myself.
